* Note this was written over a severe episode of Depression, and the views shown in this do not represent me at my best*
You want to know what my biggest issue is? The thing that holds me back, the demon that I cannot shake. Sabotage.
I self- sabotage, I do it so much if it were a sport, I’d be an olympian going for Gold.
Every time something gets good, I find something to make it go bad, or I stop trying, or I let it slip and fall behind, or I simply give up on myself.
I fall behind, I skip classes, I defer exams…I shut my self off.
I close my self off to the world around me, I stop caring and it becomes so visible in my actions. I get snarky and I get angry at myself and those close to me, and I blame myself and then I blame others for making me think that this is my fault, that my laziness could be helped and my mental health could be avoided if I just smiled more and stopped being sad.
I can’t bring myself to get out of bed and take my meds and yet I am expected to sit quietly and study hard, and the truth of the matter is that’s exactly what I do becuase I have too much money invested to turn away now.
I don’t fail well, and I haven’t officially failed anything but a simple exam but I don’t do well when others think less of me, I spent three years as an undergrad feeling like I was the stupid one, I thought my Masters would be different, but the moment I quit Full Time Study to move to Part Time I had already failed.
I am not only fighting the expectations of others but I am fighting the expectations of a better me, and she is a MONSTER
All I keep thinking is that I am failure, to say I am down is an understatement, to say I am avoiding inevitable failure by shutting out the world would be accurate.
I woke up this morning and all I could think is ‘I can’t do this anymore’ , I am drowing in my own expectations.
I need more than want, you to know that if you are suffering, in the same mindset or are just in need of comfort, I am with you, I love you and I am praying for you.